Dark Garden

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Writing. Can't I do it without expelling emotions? I just gave up on my commonwealth essay. Approximately 500 words out of the 1500 target. Blue. It was an...ambiguous topic. I thought of many things to write...And ended up having to decide between a homosexual story or Mr. Freeze defrosting and freezing again. Ok for the homosexual thing, I sort of stole inspiration from Theron's essay. His was about a father protecting his child from traditional scorn of girls, covering the baby with a blue cloth and fleeing somewhere far to start anew. I was asked to amend it. I found out that I had underestimated my class. Theron, a Malaysian scholar (No offense), had one of the widest ranges of vocabulary I've ever seen in my three years at Hwa Chong. Needless to say, Jiasheng reigns supreme over everyone else. But still, Theron's command of English is superb apart from a few errors in sentence structure and expression. Oh yes, getting back to the homosexual. Well Theron told me he used the colour blue as an insignia of the male gender. So I was planning to write an essay whereby this boy (somehow homosexual men do not seem appealing for such a delicate story. After all, controversy is in the air) likes pink. And he is publicly ostracised and all by almost everyone else. But there is always this other guy who plays the hero and extends a helping hand. And together they go through thick and thin yadda yadda. Sort of something like Frank and Guo Xin in my other blog story. Then stereotype homosexual boy falls for hero and confesses. Then yea rejection and all. Then sad moments and there's the period of avoidance. Afterwhich, there is the climax whereby they meet in some mishap and the hero guy gets killed or something like that when trying to save his friend. Then the boy will be heartbroken and weep and all and start liking blue instead. Yea at the grave maybe put some blue flowers. For this I would have to have the many allusions to blue. But in the end I decided to go with the Mr. Freeze one because homosexuality is a touchy topic that I'm not confident of writing about yet and it's more difficult to write a one-sided love story of boys. Also, I like Batman the animated series so Mr. Freeze was kind of perfect! Blue was in this case, emotionally perceived. Because of how Mr. Freeze was always "feeling blue". For more of that, I'll post the entire essay when I'm actually done. I don't want to submit it tomorrow and rush out a substandard piece. I rather take weeks even to complete it and be proud of a complete, relatively good essay.

Today was quite survivable. We actually created our project topic so randomly. Evelyn teo just pointed to one of my research abstracts and said "this is feasible". And we all started discussing about it. Effect of moderate electric fields on Lactobacillus Acidophilus reproduction rate. Wonderful. Not to mention I have to register for the project by tomorrow. So this was rather timely. I went for a Wednesday French lesson for like the first time in three weeks. Everything was surprisingly manageable. It's a wonder how I can miss a few lessons in a row and still understand better than those that faithfully attend every lesson. Not that I'm bragging but I'm just referring to Phillipe. No idea whether I spelt his name wrongly. He's an Australian Indian in French class. And today he sat next to me. Curses. I can tell he can actually learn and all but he needs to be more serious. Same case for Sean Lim ZQ and Lester. These guys just need a little more impetus. They are definitely capable of producing results as proven so by themselves. But of course, being nice by sitting next to Phillipe has its cons. I enjoyed teaching him French as I am quoting Ms Sunita, almost "infinitely kind". However, I didn't particularly like him highlighting and blowing raspberries at my arm. I then implied that he was an alien and he asked that like 5 seconds later. According to my standards, that's slow but nevermind. Oh Philippe said Xu Jun was ahem a f-. An American (crude) term for homosexual. Let's all be scientific. Hello? It doesn't matter how you behave! I don't care if Xu Jun gestures with his fingers together and all! That doesn't mean he's a homosexual. Me and Xue Wei were arguing and defending Xu Jun and somehow our conversation deviated to one about steretyping schools. Speaking of Xu Jun, he did a psychological test on me today and it yielded the most wonderful results. Been there, done that. Go try! Contact Xu Jun! It's fabuleur!

Of course, reflection on myself. I congratulated Si Heng yesterday for winning cross-country championship Sec 3 level. He has much prospect indeed. I found out that he topped his econs class with 17/20. And he has A1s for his other subjects! Maybe not all A1s but still, I felt more depressed. But then again, I'm pretty sure the Sciences are more stressful than the Entrepreneurs so I'm trying to cheer up based on that assumption. But then, I got my Econs back. 14/20 sad. A2. I could have gotten 15 and an A1 if not for the fact that he halved one of my two marks because I didn't write the question number for that particular question. Sigh...I keep on making such ridiculous errors. But the highest in our class was 18.5. How ironic. The Science Econs class actually beat the Entrepreneurship Econs class. I think what he said to me in the conversation was very true. "you gain more when you fail as compared to when you succeed" It's probably so cliche that the number of times it has been used is greater than the number of times Obama lied to get supporters. Nevertheless...It's been long since I had a coherent conversation with him. I look at the message history and I'm really glad I didn't turn into something I wasn't. I'm just too susceptible. The last conversation was when he told me my blog was ultra cool because I posted all those teacher quotes. I'm too susceptible to praise, too conscious of criticism. I admit I'm spiteful, unforgiving, uncompromising. I look at my message history with siheng. Other that lots of pointless arguing from last year which I may post depending on my mood, I had not been nice. But that's because I'm afraid. When I see someone I know, very rarely do I initiate the greeting. Today after flag-raising, Dominic said hi after I stared at him for like 3 seconds, contemplating whether or not to say hi. Is it even that difficult? No but it could be painful. I'm sure many of those guys have no problem with their greetings, be it an excruciating slap on the back or a sharp one on the backside. Genuine smiles and all. I feel so fake when I smile at them. True, I feel the joy but still, I know very well I could have said hi first. So restrained. And yet, it's because of this fear. Oh yes, I am very very afraid. Afraid of being hurt once more...I know true friendship exists, but adversely...So can the reverse. As much as I would like to go zen and apathetic to block out emotions, the social circumstances around me prevent me from doing so. I found out I'm actually starting to know my class this year. It's so much better now. Theron doesn't call me Madeimoiselle, I know everyone's names. Am I to act cold and indifferent? No...It's reciprocative really. If you want people to open up, you have to open up yourself first. But I never do...I never pluck up the courage to do so...I wonder...When will I be completely healed? When will I not fear the outside forces? Probably never. I'm conservative, cautious, but not inherently. I know I wasn't silent at all in the past. And well...I understand I have to work on it. Just try saying hi first. Try smiling with my heart. It won't hurt, hopefully.

Dark Memories[5:30 PM]

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