Dark Garden

Friday, January 25, 2008

Samuel just asked me, "do u blog ANYTHING ELSE than schoolwork?" The indignity of it! I mean, really! To all those who actually take their time to read this blog, do I blog only about schoolwork? I have a heart, I am not the tin man from The Wizard of Oz. Of course I blog about other stuff. Don't I?

Like now, is this schoolwork? I suppose we are analysing this text to determine what type of expository it is aren't we? Causal analysis? Exemplification? Bah, don't spoil my weekend with the homework reminders. Today's IHC presentation was great. Although we all had a few slip-ups, I thought we did fine. And I'm sure we did put in effort albeit not maximal. Now let's give out the awards for the skit presentation!

Best actor...

Kevin! For dying so spectacularly and falling down really hard after being stabbed by a piece of rolled up paper! Kudos to you for the wonderful death!
Quotes:
*Insert Scream*
"Ouch!" (After the "knife" goes in)

Best supporting actor...

Yanyu! For adopting the lame yet funny Mrs Khoo attitude!
Quotes:
"The Dutch is good to you. Say yes!"
"Now I'll introduce the Dutch culture system, say wow!"
"You see how much the Dutch has done for you so you'll all be rich and happy. Say hooray!"
(To Indonesian rebel Kevin) "Of course the Dutch is intelligent. But this will take rather long for me to explain so let me just call the guards to send to to a resting place to rest..."

Yep. I've made friends all right. Xu Jun forever amusing with his ever-interesting school life. Yanyu with his ranting about the Great Nihon (Japan). Kevin going all obscene with the moaning and groaning? Point is...Mr. Lee was right...It's unhealthy is keep on staying within our cliques...Open up a little. Make new friends...And well I don't think I'll try to sit with weize and gang in the auditorium next time...I got chased away! Apparently seats beside them were reserved for Dennis and Keng Whye! No ill-feelings but I know...I can't keep being with them...So I'll breakaway. No it's not an error, Breakaway is a song by Kelly Clarkson.

On the other hand...There are still old...relationships I want to hold on to...Like with Si Heng...Hating him...Stopping...Hating again...Yes, I really hate him for looking at me as if I was from Circus Berzerkus...But then he smiles...And I forget everything he's done. An enigmatic relationship indeed...I wouldn't call it friendship...Would I? Although he thinks so according to his sms...That was an incident from the forbidden past...Though it was only last year...I can't remember anymore...Which day it was...

I remember we were released early...Weize, Cheong Keat and gang went out shopping, lunching and stuff I guess...And they left immediately after early dismissal so I was stranded all alone...I trudged out the hall amidst the throngs of overjoyed chatterboxes, contemplating my next move. Si Heng and Sean walked past me, laughing about some prospective soccer game I presumed. I halted, as the memory of Si Heng's recent message crystallised in my mind.

"What's your problem? Go away!"

I seethed at the thought and whipped out my then-pathetic mobile phone, jabbing the buttons as fast as I could to send Si Heng my retort.

"My problem is you! Very well, I'll grant you your wish then, and disappear."

I threw the duo a look of poison before stuffing my phone into my pocket. I walked down the great slope of tarmac towards the bus-stop. Thinking. Musing. Pondering. And in no time I found myself leaning on the window of the 157 bus. The incessant buzzing of attention-deprived individuals around me in the bus seemed insignificant while I wondered why Si Heng hated me and why the situation just would not change no matter how hard I tried.

I had tried being cordial towards him, only to find myself receiving strings of expletives in return. I tried asking him why he behaved that way, only to be deemed a female hound by him. And yet the worse thing was that he had always apologised after everything he said, lulling me back into a false sense of security. And just when I thought our relationship was better and greeted him, I was insulted by him again. I had received enough of the repeated stabbing of my heart, toying of my emotions. Time and again I asked myself why I put up with him, why I let myself be so easily abused psychologically. Oh but I knew. It was because he was still a good person by nature, not like the other obnoxious fools. He actually apologised and laughed it off. But I couldn't take it anymore. My tolerance had reached its zenith. I hated him.

So I sat in the worn-out seat of the bus, repeatedly addressing this issue in my mind. Then it arrived. A message. Curious. I flipped open my phone and looked at the screen. I froze. It was from Si Heng. My fingers struggled over the keypad. I considered deleting the message without even taking a look but my ego took charge. I thirsted to see how Si Heng would reply so I could inflict upon him the wrath of another vitriol diatribe. And yet, the message stunned me.

"Are you ok?"

I sat in silence for the next ten minutes of my bus trip, my mind rapidly processing those three words. Three words, seven letters. Was it even that difficult? And yet it took such a long time for me to realise the impact of these words. I teared slightly. I hated him. I hated myself for hating him. I hated him for making me miserable. I hated myself for being so weak and vulnerable. And then the next message came.

"Haha we're still friends right?"

Friends. The word shook my reality and state of mind entirely. I teared more ever so slightly and hastily punched in a reply.

"Really?"

Vibration. Flash from the light-emitting diode.

"Yea, why not?"

And the world around me collapsed. My mind was racing so insanely fast until it was nothing more than a blur. I weighed so many options, considered so many possibilities and made so many conclusions. So much from three words once more. If he considered me his friend, why did he treat me that way? So many questions, not one answered. I keyed in my reply but my fingers hovered over the send button, hesitant to launch the chunk of text into cyberspace. I took a deep breath, and hit down hard with my thumb, deleting the message. I sighed in resignation. My ego still mattered after all.

A few seconds ago, in the precarious world of the inner workings of the mobile phone...A sliver of data is being erased. It was a text message. The letters and punctuation marks were running around frantically to avoid capture and imminent destruction. But alas finally, they were captured by the "deleters" as the process of annihilation began...

"Thank you so much, you brightened up my day."

And soon, the scraps of text were painfully erased.

Of course it's better now...Si Heng recently took to initiative to start a conversation with me. And we greet each other more often. But he still looks at me that way.

And I'm afraid I'll hate him again...Won't I?

Dark Memories[9:42 PM]

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Everyone's complaining about CSE. Oh why do we have to walk around? Oh why can't we have a class? Oh why are our school hours so long? Oh why must there be this independent learning? Oh why must there be all those stringent guidelines to follow? Well all these lamentations are really valid actually. Unless you just care about academics and being super successful in school and then being some high-income bigshot in the future...You probably will find CSE most apt to be renamed as "Centre for Sadistic Expression". Now most of us will hate CSE and want to quit. These are your average "stereotypical" boys. Another part will find it fine and is trying to adapt. These are the gray area people that hate the time constraints of CSE but can live with it as they are not mindlessly gaming in front of the computer everyday. And the minuscule minority of artificial intelligence will find it satisfactory and love it probably. Overachievers (I mean it literally) like Ying Cong who got exempted from all exams for the past two years will fall into this category.

As for me, I'm in the gray area. I really dislike dismissal times of 3.20pm and 4pm but what can I do? On Mondays I finish school with discovery and research ending at 3.20pm. Then what? French of course! Following French, Vovinam! So I reach home at...9pm. As for the rest of the week...

Tuesday, lessons end at 3.20pm so I reach home at 4pm.
Wednesday, discovery and research plus French so I reach home at 8pm.
Thursday, lessons at at 4pm so I reach home at 4.30pm.
Friday, dismissal at 1.20pm! Too bad there's EP3...So there's really no point for early dismissal. Drama ends around 5pm so I reach home at 5.30pm.

Isn't it sad? I practically can't do much homework on Monday since I'd probably be exhausted after such a long day plus martial arts...Actually...I idle too much in front of the computer so I guess that's really a waste of time. Hmph...Okay, but still it's a little hectic don't ya think? Let's move on to workload. Basically everything's fine. Even Physics. My Physics teacher, though is nice, really believes in independent learning. She'll distribute worksheets of a topic she had never taught and then tell us to hand in the next lesson. "Resources in the IVLE anc VLE" is what she'll say. "You're independent learners." Now that comes from all teachers. But in the end, since most of us spend most of our recesses in the library, we just refer to each other's homework. It's sort of a learning process really. But then again...I'd rather prefer a class. Today, I didn't even know the venue for my English class. It was supposed to be in Lecture Theatre 4 but it was locked when I went there. Then I ran all the way to Seminar room 2 where we have English on Fridays. And then to the library conference room where we have lessons on Wednesdays. I was then told by one classmate I met there that lessons were to be conducted in Computer laboratory 4...See? And twice I was late for Integrated Humanities Core because the venue was so far from the library...And first time I got lost. Thank god Ms Sunita has infinite kindness and didn't penalise me. And we're practically always late by 15 minutes for Economics because of the absurd venue...And the Physics venue changes on a regular basis. Chinese changes too sometimes...Really...It's a little too much. Just like university...We can skip classes! Except for Physics and Chinese...And probably Math...I just learned that I can skip English if I wanted! But wow...CSE is really very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very new. I'd prefer the oldschool way of having a class...

I went to jiasheng's class yesterday for recess...I could still feel the class spirit emanating even though there were only about seven people in the class...A sense of belonging...To be able to sit there...To be able to call that seat yours...That table, that room yours...Just slack inside during recess or rush some homework...I had a great time...Really. Jiasheng playing music and then Zhi tao started arguing with him over which song to play and why...And everything else...I want my class back! So it's true then...Cherish the present...Is there anything to cherish in CSE? Apart from the friends...I don't really feel sort of bonded as an entire CSE...

Should I drop out? My reputation will be marred...But still...

I'm guessing no but you never know...

Dark Memories[9:56 PM]

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Thursday, January 17, 2008

What is the meaning of life? I find myself dreading life more now although it's starting to seem easier. I don't get barraged by verbal assaults when I enter the Proed classes. I even get acknowledged by a few "hi"s or "yo"s. Really, I appreciate that. That may seem trivial to the more flamboyant breeds of the student population but it means a lot to me. I, being the silent type usually, like the silent ones - my plants. It's really nice climbing up the social ladder. I don't really feel that out of place nowadays. Surprisingly, people are getting to know me either through dota or maybe previously from OBS. Of course, I'm beginning to make friends with people in my new class. I find myself ridiculously recording down birthdays and whatnot, asking people what presents they would like. Is this just something I'm doing to deceive myself? Am I convincing myself that I'm not insecure? Because I know I am. Gone are the days when I could be confident of myself, not worrying about anything other than just enjoying myself, gone were they since I was primary one. Society's too dangerous. And so I adapt. I twist and turn, becoming curved and ragged. But it's never the plant's fault. It's the environment where the plant grows that dictates its growth. Relationships with teacher are getting better. I'm starting to like the Physics teacher and I actually like China Studies and understand Mathematics. I was nominated to go for OBS Sabah (Yucks). Isn't this what I wanted? No, it isn't. I feel increasingly inferior and depressed as I assess the people around me. How is it...that these mindless boys...who care only about food, fornication and football...so utterly below the barbarian's threshold of etiquette...actually possess something I don't have? It's always been a wonder...How Lester...Sean...the usual guys...forgive and forget so easily. Maybe it's just intellectual defiency on their part haha...Just joking. Something I've never been able to achieve...I do not forgive...that easily. And I never forget. Call me petty but that's just how I am. I am meticulous, or rather, calculative. Offend me...Pay back in full...or worse. I do admit envy is a great sin of mine too...How people like Weize just blend into social groups so easily...How Jiasheng can be so sophisticated in everything he does...How Shiyi is so determined...Zheng yang for his optimism...Jun Jie for his diligence...Guo Xin for his...Nah, not looks...His money! Yes, special note - my envy of wealth is amplified much more because of me thinking how unfair it is that people are born in different families, some rich, some not. And yet, I'm thankful I'm not virtually made of glass like most of the rich spoilt brats. And all these little envies add up...Manifesting provocative thoughts...Thoughts of inferiority cloud my mind once more.

But who says I must submit? Conventional thinking dictates that nature is subservient to Man. No. It is perfectly capable of supporting itself as compared to Man's ability to do so. Nature is not inferior as history has proved otherwise. Why do I allow Man to defile my sanctuary? No, you do not set standards for me. I set them for myself! Success conceived like the econs teacher would say! I will not submit!

Dark Memories[10:55 PM]

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

After reading "Where The Wild Ones Grow" on fanfiction.net...

I couldn't agree more with Poison Ivy...

What is the defeat no living creature can tolerate?

Quote: "This was a loss of her identity."

Yes, losing ourselves...The very essence of our existence, not in the physical sense, but our very ideals, character and spirit that keeps our tangible form alive. Poison Ivy realised this and so did I.

Quote: "In her kept isolation, she feared she had allowed this beastly world to devour her every aspect of existence. The wages of war for acceptance amidst assimilation had gradually taken its toll, the ultimate toll, on her. Her sickest fear had manifested that moment as she realized she had become just like everyone else. Her letter was an unbearable reflection of the cold machine she had become."

Who am I? What am I? These aren't questions that can be answered in Biology class. What makes us us? We all have our identities. It's what makes each and every one of us special. But what's scary is when we lose our identity, the innate identity that belongs to us. Many a time have I assumed identities I liked and even respected but the problem is that it's just not me. Not me. I can't even remember who I am now. I shift in between different identities so often, I wonder if I have lost myself. The world, yes, is cruel. But we are the cruelest when we allow this foul world of ours change us, make us undergo such a hideous transmogrification and at the end, we morph into something entirely foreign to ourselves. I look in the mirror and see a monster. This isn't me. My personality and character shouldn't be flimsily constructed out of various influences. I should, I must be myself. It is imperative for us to have something distinct and original, and not to be just a cheap carbon copy of something else. I have let myself down. I know now...

I am no longer me.

Dark Memories[7:45 PM]

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Sunday, January 06, 2008

Back from dinner with my cousin who just came back from Australia. He's going back on Wednesday so my father insisted we take him out for dinner fast. I found the start of this rendezvous rather awkward. My cousin was behaving really cordially and I realised how much of strangers we were. Well he left for Australia when he was Primary 4 while I was Primary 2 and there wasn't much interaction between us. Of course, unless you count the times I jumped like some primitive tribesman while repeatedly jabbing the buttons of the playstation controller when playing the pokemon race thingy with him in the past. So I decided to break the ice anyway...by talking about school? Hmm so my cousin takes Advanced English, Biology, Physics, Information Process Technology and Three-unit Mathematics (No I have no idea what third unit means). Interesting...To think I just told Xu Jun a.k.a The Chemist that who on earth would take Biology and Physics together. And we sort of randomly jumped to family and leisure stuff. Blah blah. I just realised how right he was in his studying method. Read up before the topic is taught. Take notes for every lesson. Review whole week's stuff during the weekend. Exactly the attitude the school wants to cultivate in its Centre for Scholastic Excellence (CSE) students. Sad to say, it's an almost impossible task with 80% of computer-crazed baboons in CSE's population. I've decided to adopt that study regime. Oh in case you were wondering, no, not for French. I'll just look through my notes since foreign languages are an entirely different thing. It was really a inspirational and beneficial (In my opinion) talk. We talked about career options and he was telling me to choose something I liked and was good at and not care about what others think. Very true. I'm going to be what I want. Pour le moment...Maybe a toxinologist? Or botanist? Molecular biologist? So let's get cracking! For the record, I now possess Jatropa and Dumbcane. Both excellent poisons. Oh and the desert rose! The only flower I've got from the Apocynaceae family since I've run out of Oleander after I seasoned Si Heng's drink with its flowers. Hmm...Must add to my collection of poisons. Herbs are plenteous in my father's so called garden (Corrid-en?). But for now only four poisonous plants if you include the aloe vera. Yes, it's sap is poisonous. The sap is different from the gel people! One's brown and one's transparent. Learn to tell the difference or get ready for a dermal surprise. Oh after reading various blogs, I've decided to analyse them. *Insert evil laugh* Yes! Prepare to corrode after my acidic touch, blogs of cyberspace! No time now obviously but let's make a list.

Blogs to be analysed: (for now)
Jiasheng
Shiyi
Fang Hui
Lester
Sean
Xue Wei
Akilan
Gregory

Tomorrow maybe? And I can tell you about my wonderful attitude problem!

Dark Memories[10:45 PM]

Let's see if I have something to post later.

I have too severe a headache after reading all three science textbooks.

Cell membranes are made up of double phospholipid layers. Splendid.

Apparently carbon has three isotopes and we can use carbon-14 to determine the age of objects up to 50000 years. Lovely.

The SI unit for luminous intensity is candela(cd). Good to know that.

Urgh. I still have Physics worksheets that I've barely started on. Hurrah for me.

Later.

Dark Memories[5:45 PM]

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Wednesday, January 02, 2008

And this is a song I recently found on Youtube. It was used for a Cardcaptor Sakura music video. Love Lee and Sakura!

"Crush"
by Mandy Moore

You know everything that I'm afraid of
You do everything I wish I did
Everybody wants you, everybody loves you

I know I should tell you how I feel
I wish everyone would disappear
Everytime you call me, I'm too scared to be me
And I'm too shy to say

Ooh, I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

You know, I'm the one that you can talk to
Sometimes you tell me things that I don't want to know
I just want to hold you
You say exactly how you feel about her
I wonder, could you ever think of me that way

I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

Ooh, I wish I could tell somebody
But there's no one to talk to, nobody knows
I've got a crush on you
A crush on you, I got a crush

You say everything that no one says
But I feel everything that you're afraid to feel
I will always want you, I will always love you

I've got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush when I'm with you
I got a crush on you, a crush on you
[Repeat]

Nice song, now back to Consortium day - The first day of school. Basically it was just bland. This year, there was no more amazing race. Proed had decided to adopt the system during the Festival of Sports. Proed classes shall compete with each other in Badminton, Basketball and Football. Naturally, I didn't take part in any of these matches. Firstly, it would be a waste of energy, I have better things to exert my energy on. Secondly, I do not wish to go for French lesson smelly and sticky. Thirdly, I'm good at none of these sports so I will not go and show everyone that I'm a retard in sports. So I just sat around with Jiasheng, Junjie and Zhenyang and we just talked. Weize was refereeing haha. Apparently, him playing would be "an unfair advatage" according to Jiasheng. My sentiments exactly. Then it started raining and then we went to Kah Kee Hall for badminton. Obviously I continued talking to Jiasheng since there really isn't anything else worth doing. Hmm...Maybe except reading HIVE (Higher Institute for Villainous Education) but talking to Jiasheng is so much fun. Then we had prize-giving. And if the class wasn't separated, we would have swept all the Secondary 3 prizes again. But now our talents are...evenly distributed across the different classes. Sad. Then I showed Si Heng my book H.I.V.E and said "Higher Institute for Villainous Education, all the better to sabotage you with." Sometimes, I just can't control myself. I told myself to be nice. It's a new year, I ought to be nicer to everyone...But I just couldn't stop myself from saying that to Si Heng. It has happened before too. How I failed to resist poisoning Si Heng's drink twice, to chase him around with my compass and needles, to attack him...I hereby apologise for all that. Sorry. I don't know why I just behave in this infantile way around you...I promise I'll try not to have any harmful thoughts around you and not do anything bad or lethal to you.

Then we were dismissed and I just went off to find Weize. He then started telling me how much of a failure his presentation was, mostly attributed to Kwang Ming's incompetence to perform. Then we went to poolside for lunch and met Jiasheng there! And the fries I ordered for Weize turned out to be a lot less than satisfactory. Thus, Weize enlisted the help of Jiasheng to finish up the "rubbish" resulting in Jiasheng thanking Weize for treating him like a rubbish bin. Ah...Hope there'll be more lunches like that. Then Jiasheng went for band and I went to the computer lab with Weize to slack but soon it was 3pm and Weize had to go for EC3 club session and I was left behind.

Then I prepared to make my way for the library to read HIVE so as to kill time till French. I was halfway across the corridor to the library when I stopped. I don't know why but I just had the sudden urge to go to the street soccer court. Siheng's words during CSE briefing just kept ringing in my head. "See you on the field!" That was directed at Lester. So I have no idea why I suddenly did the most absurd thing of the day...Instead of my sacred reading session, I turned back and started walking towards the street soccer court. And the worst thing was I don't know why. I saw Fang being goalkeeper...Lester the striker as always...And some other players and spectators I didn't know. I loitered around that area, watching them play. I saw Arivan walking down the terraces...Si Heng speaking to Mr. Toh...I looked again at Fang and he looked back. He asked me if Han was there yet and I glanced back quickly and shook my head. I walked around the plants and looked down the terraces. The trackers were playing football. Si Heng still talking. Fang asked me if they were playing soccer on the field. I nodded. He let in a goal. Lester and him started to move down the terraces. Si Heng talking. Ang approaching. People running. Edwin and Kwang Ming together. Lester asking me to watch Kwang Ming's "spectacular jumping". It's all a blur. The track and field realm...One I existed in and probably could have continued.
I remember a Secondary One in Gift of Reading camp just last week. He's from Victoria Secondary School and the moment I said I was from polevault we both started clicking. He was from gym but he said his gym wasn't good. He told me how his coach wouldn't send him for nationals and how he couldn't jump real high. It doesn't matter right? That's what I told him. I told him with training he would get better and he was from gym after all. He already had the basics. And I told him how different my situation was and why I decided to quit. It's not polevault. I told him how I hated it because of the company not the sport itself. The coach was great...The team wasn't. I felt so...Out of place, like I was an awkward addition, dangling and about to break off. It didn't matter once Ying Cong wasn't there. I could only talk to...My plants...And at this point the Sec 1 would laugh...haha talking to grass...It didn't matter anymore. I was just there to jump, get it over and done with then go home. No doubt the period before the nationals were much better but the nationals proved to be quite demoralising. It didn't matter. I knew I couldn't do it anyway. But what toed the line was the chalet thingy after the nationals. They went for bowling and I was there too...Meditating...Since I didn't know how to. No one offered to teach so I just read papers and meditated for 3 hours. And I didn't want to stay on for chalet because I really felt unneccessary then. I told the Sec 1 how trainings were such emotional torture. I just went there and first thing was to clean pit. Then train. Stone and wait. Jump. And some people would laugh. Stone. Jump. Laugh. Stone. Jump...I was just this soulless shell receiving orders. What's the point? The Sec 1 told me he had seniors to talk to...Classmates...What could I do then? The seniors would talk amongst themselves. I didn't understand any of their game lingo then...And my own classmates thought I was a freak...And I have to thank Sean for making life in polevault miserable so I would be determined to quit. The Sec 1 is really well-read and well-educated. He enquired if I was spurred on instead to show the team that I would make it. Maybe if I did I would be entirely different person now...But I told him I just couldn't bear with it anymore...Not going there to be a zombie. It's just not who I am.

I must concentrate. Let's quote HIVEmind: "Emotional response is inefficient."

Dark Memories[9:40 PM]

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