Thursday, January 17, 2008
What is the meaning of life? I find myself dreading life more now although it's starting to seem easier. I don't get barraged by verbal assaults when I enter the Proed classes. I even get acknowledged by a few "hi"s or "yo"s. Really, I appreciate that. That may seem trivial to the more flamboyant breeds of the student population but it means a lot to me. I, being the silent type usually, like the silent ones - my plants. It's really nice climbing up the social ladder. I don't really feel that out of place nowadays. Surprisingly, people are getting to know me either through dota or maybe previously from OBS. Of course, I'm beginning to make friends with people in my new class. I find myself ridiculously recording down birthdays and whatnot, asking people what presents they would like. Is this just something I'm doing to deceive myself? Am I convincing myself that I'm not insecure? Because I know I am. Gone are the days when I could be confident of myself, not worrying about anything other than just enjoying myself, gone were they since I was primary one. Society's too dangerous. And so I adapt. I twist and turn, becoming curved and ragged. But it's never the plant's fault. It's the environment where the plant grows that dictates its growth. Relationships with teacher are getting better. I'm starting to like the Physics teacher and I actually like China Studies and understand Mathematics. I was nominated to go for OBS Sabah (Yucks). Isn't this what I wanted? No, it isn't. I feel increasingly inferior and depressed as I assess the people around me. How is it...that these mindless boys...who care only about food, fornication and football...so utterly below the barbarian's threshold of etiquette...actually possess something I don't have? It's always been a wonder...How Lester...Sean...the usual guys...forgive and forget so easily. Maybe it's just intellectual defiency on their part haha...Just joking. Something I've never been able to achieve...I do not forgive...that easily. And I never forget. Call me petty but that's just how I am. I am meticulous, or rather, calculative. Offend me...Pay back in full...or worse. I do admit envy is a great sin of mine too...How people like Weize just blend into social groups so easily...How Jiasheng can be so sophisticated in everything he does...How Shiyi is so determined...Zheng yang for his optimism...Jun Jie for his diligence...Guo Xin for his...Nah, not looks...His money! Yes, special note - my envy of wealth is amplified much more because of me thinking how unfair it is that people are born in different families, some rich, some not. And yet, I'm thankful I'm not virtually made of glass like most of the rich spoilt brats. And all these little envies add up...Manifesting provocative thoughts...Thoughts of inferiority cloud my mind once more.
But who says I must submit? Conventional thinking dictates that nature is subservient to Man. No. It is perfectly capable of supporting itself as compared to Man's ability to do so. Nature is not inferior as history has proved otherwise. Why do I allow Man to defile my sanctuary? No, you do not set standards for me. I set them for myself! Success conceived like the econs teacher would say! I will not submit!
Dark Memories[10:55 PM]
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