Dark Garden

Friday, January 25, 2008

Samuel just asked me, "do u blog ANYTHING ELSE than schoolwork?" The indignity of it! I mean, really! To all those who actually take their time to read this blog, do I blog only about schoolwork? I have a heart, I am not the tin man from The Wizard of Oz. Of course I blog about other stuff. Don't I?

Like now, is this schoolwork? I suppose we are analysing this text to determine what type of expository it is aren't we? Causal analysis? Exemplification? Bah, don't spoil my weekend with the homework reminders. Today's IHC presentation was great. Although we all had a few slip-ups, I thought we did fine. And I'm sure we did put in effort albeit not maximal. Now let's give out the awards for the skit presentation!

Best actor...

Kevin! For dying so spectacularly and falling down really hard after being stabbed by a piece of rolled up paper! Kudos to you for the wonderful death!
Quotes:
*Insert Scream*
"Ouch!" (After the "knife" goes in)

Best supporting actor...

Yanyu! For adopting the lame yet funny Mrs Khoo attitude!
Quotes:
"The Dutch is good to you. Say yes!"
"Now I'll introduce the Dutch culture system, say wow!"
"You see how much the Dutch has done for you so you'll all be rich and happy. Say hooray!"
(To Indonesian rebel Kevin) "Of course the Dutch is intelligent. But this will take rather long for me to explain so let me just call the guards to send to to a resting place to rest..."

Yep. I've made friends all right. Xu Jun forever amusing with his ever-interesting school life. Yanyu with his ranting about the Great Nihon (Japan). Kevin going all obscene with the moaning and groaning? Point is...Mr. Lee was right...It's unhealthy is keep on staying within our cliques...Open up a little. Make new friends...And well I don't think I'll try to sit with weize and gang in the auditorium next time...I got chased away! Apparently seats beside them were reserved for Dennis and Keng Whye! No ill-feelings but I know...I can't keep being with them...So I'll breakaway. No it's not an error, Breakaway is a song by Kelly Clarkson.

On the other hand...There are still old...relationships I want to hold on to...Like with Si Heng...Hating him...Stopping...Hating again...Yes, I really hate him for looking at me as if I was from Circus Berzerkus...But then he smiles...And I forget everything he's done. An enigmatic relationship indeed...I wouldn't call it friendship...Would I? Although he thinks so according to his sms...That was an incident from the forbidden past...Though it was only last year...I can't remember anymore...Which day it was...

I remember we were released early...Weize, Cheong Keat and gang went out shopping, lunching and stuff I guess...And they left immediately after early dismissal so I was stranded all alone...I trudged out the hall amidst the throngs of overjoyed chatterboxes, contemplating my next move. Si Heng and Sean walked past me, laughing about some prospective soccer game I presumed. I halted, as the memory of Si Heng's recent message crystallised in my mind.

"What's your problem? Go away!"

I seethed at the thought and whipped out my then-pathetic mobile phone, jabbing the buttons as fast as I could to send Si Heng my retort.

"My problem is you! Very well, I'll grant you your wish then, and disappear."

I threw the duo a look of poison before stuffing my phone into my pocket. I walked down the great slope of tarmac towards the bus-stop. Thinking. Musing. Pondering. And in no time I found myself leaning on the window of the 157 bus. The incessant buzzing of attention-deprived individuals around me in the bus seemed insignificant while I wondered why Si Heng hated me and why the situation just would not change no matter how hard I tried.

I had tried being cordial towards him, only to find myself receiving strings of expletives in return. I tried asking him why he behaved that way, only to be deemed a female hound by him. And yet the worse thing was that he had always apologised after everything he said, lulling me back into a false sense of security. And just when I thought our relationship was better and greeted him, I was insulted by him again. I had received enough of the repeated stabbing of my heart, toying of my emotions. Time and again I asked myself why I put up with him, why I let myself be so easily abused psychologically. Oh but I knew. It was because he was still a good person by nature, not like the other obnoxious fools. He actually apologised and laughed it off. But I couldn't take it anymore. My tolerance had reached its zenith. I hated him.

So I sat in the worn-out seat of the bus, repeatedly addressing this issue in my mind. Then it arrived. A message. Curious. I flipped open my phone and looked at the screen. I froze. It was from Si Heng. My fingers struggled over the keypad. I considered deleting the message without even taking a look but my ego took charge. I thirsted to see how Si Heng would reply so I could inflict upon him the wrath of another vitriol diatribe. And yet, the message stunned me.

"Are you ok?"

I sat in silence for the next ten minutes of my bus trip, my mind rapidly processing those three words. Three words, seven letters. Was it even that difficult? And yet it took such a long time for me to realise the impact of these words. I teared slightly. I hated him. I hated myself for hating him. I hated him for making me miserable. I hated myself for being so weak and vulnerable. And then the next message came.

"Haha we're still friends right?"

Friends. The word shook my reality and state of mind entirely. I teared more ever so slightly and hastily punched in a reply.

"Really?"

Vibration. Flash from the light-emitting diode.

"Yea, why not?"

And the world around me collapsed. My mind was racing so insanely fast until it was nothing more than a blur. I weighed so many options, considered so many possibilities and made so many conclusions. So much from three words once more. If he considered me his friend, why did he treat me that way? So many questions, not one answered. I keyed in my reply but my fingers hovered over the send button, hesitant to launch the chunk of text into cyberspace. I took a deep breath, and hit down hard with my thumb, deleting the message. I sighed in resignation. My ego still mattered after all.

A few seconds ago, in the precarious world of the inner workings of the mobile phone...A sliver of data is being erased. It was a text message. The letters and punctuation marks were running around frantically to avoid capture and imminent destruction. But alas finally, they were captured by the "deleters" as the process of annihilation began...

"Thank you so much, you brightened up my day."

And soon, the scraps of text were painfully erased.

Of course it's better now...Si Heng recently took to initiative to start a conversation with me. And we greet each other more often. But he still looks at me that way.

And I'm afraid I'll hate him again...Won't I?

Dark Memories[9:42 PM]

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