Dark Garden

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

And this is a song I recently found on Youtube. It was used for a Cardcaptor Sakura music video. Love Lee and Sakura!

"Crush"
by Mandy Moore

You know everything that I'm afraid of
You do everything I wish I did
Everybody wants you, everybody loves you

I know I should tell you how I feel
I wish everyone would disappear
Everytime you call me, I'm too scared to be me
And I'm too shy to say

Ooh, I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

You know, I'm the one that you can talk to
Sometimes you tell me things that I don't want to know
I just want to hold you
You say exactly how you feel about her
I wonder, could you ever think of me that way

I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

Ooh, I wish I could tell somebody
But there's no one to talk to, nobody knows
I've got a crush on you
A crush on you, I got a crush

You say everything that no one says
But I feel everything that you're afraid to feel
I will always want you, I will always love you

I've got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush when I'm with you
I got a crush on you, a crush on you
[Repeat]

Nice song, now back to Consortium day - The first day of school. Basically it was just bland. This year, there was no more amazing race. Proed had decided to adopt the system during the Festival of Sports. Proed classes shall compete with each other in Badminton, Basketball and Football. Naturally, I didn't take part in any of these matches. Firstly, it would be a waste of energy, I have better things to exert my energy on. Secondly, I do not wish to go for French lesson smelly and sticky. Thirdly, I'm good at none of these sports so I will not go and show everyone that I'm a retard in sports. So I just sat around with Jiasheng, Junjie and Zhenyang and we just talked. Weize was refereeing haha. Apparently, him playing would be "an unfair advatage" according to Jiasheng. My sentiments exactly. Then it started raining and then we went to Kah Kee Hall for badminton. Obviously I continued talking to Jiasheng since there really isn't anything else worth doing. Hmm...Maybe except reading HIVE (Higher Institute for Villainous Education) but talking to Jiasheng is so much fun. Then we had prize-giving. And if the class wasn't separated, we would have swept all the Secondary 3 prizes again. But now our talents are...evenly distributed across the different classes. Sad. Then I showed Si Heng my book H.I.V.E and said "Higher Institute for Villainous Education, all the better to sabotage you with." Sometimes, I just can't control myself. I told myself to be nice. It's a new year, I ought to be nicer to everyone...But I just couldn't stop myself from saying that to Si Heng. It has happened before too. How I failed to resist poisoning Si Heng's drink twice, to chase him around with my compass and needles, to attack him...I hereby apologise for all that. Sorry. I don't know why I just behave in this infantile way around you...I promise I'll try not to have any harmful thoughts around you and not do anything bad or lethal to you.

Then we were dismissed and I just went off to find Weize. He then started telling me how much of a failure his presentation was, mostly attributed to Kwang Ming's incompetence to perform. Then we went to poolside for lunch and met Jiasheng there! And the fries I ordered for Weize turned out to be a lot less than satisfactory. Thus, Weize enlisted the help of Jiasheng to finish up the "rubbish" resulting in Jiasheng thanking Weize for treating him like a rubbish bin. Ah...Hope there'll be more lunches like that. Then Jiasheng went for band and I went to the computer lab with Weize to slack but soon it was 3pm and Weize had to go for EC3 club session and I was left behind.

Then I prepared to make my way for the library to read HIVE so as to kill time till French. I was halfway across the corridor to the library when I stopped. I don't know why but I just had the sudden urge to go to the street soccer court. Siheng's words during CSE briefing just kept ringing in my head. "See you on the field!" That was directed at Lester. So I have no idea why I suddenly did the most absurd thing of the day...Instead of my sacred reading session, I turned back and started walking towards the street soccer court. And the worst thing was I don't know why. I saw Fang being goalkeeper...Lester the striker as always...And some other players and spectators I didn't know. I loitered around that area, watching them play. I saw Arivan walking down the terraces...Si Heng speaking to Mr. Toh...I looked again at Fang and he looked back. He asked me if Han was there yet and I glanced back quickly and shook my head. I walked around the plants and looked down the terraces. The trackers were playing football. Si Heng still talking. Fang asked me if they were playing soccer on the field. I nodded. He let in a goal. Lester and him started to move down the terraces. Si Heng talking. Ang approaching. People running. Edwin and Kwang Ming together. Lester asking me to watch Kwang Ming's "spectacular jumping". It's all a blur. The track and field realm...One I existed in and probably could have continued.
I remember a Secondary One in Gift of Reading camp just last week. He's from Victoria Secondary School and the moment I said I was from polevault we both started clicking. He was from gym but he said his gym wasn't good. He told me how his coach wouldn't send him for nationals and how he couldn't jump real high. It doesn't matter right? That's what I told him. I told him with training he would get better and he was from gym after all. He already had the basics. And I told him how different my situation was and why I decided to quit. It's not polevault. I told him how I hated it because of the company not the sport itself. The coach was great...The team wasn't. I felt so...Out of place, like I was an awkward addition, dangling and about to break off. It didn't matter once Ying Cong wasn't there. I could only talk to...My plants...And at this point the Sec 1 would laugh...haha talking to grass...It didn't matter anymore. I was just there to jump, get it over and done with then go home. No doubt the period before the nationals were much better but the nationals proved to be quite demoralising. It didn't matter. I knew I couldn't do it anyway. But what toed the line was the chalet thingy after the nationals. They went for bowling and I was there too...Meditating...Since I didn't know how to. No one offered to teach so I just read papers and meditated for 3 hours. And I didn't want to stay on for chalet because I really felt unneccessary then. I told the Sec 1 how trainings were such emotional torture. I just went there and first thing was to clean pit. Then train. Stone and wait. Jump. And some people would laugh. Stone. Jump. Laugh. Stone. Jump...I was just this soulless shell receiving orders. What's the point? The Sec 1 told me he had seniors to talk to...Classmates...What could I do then? The seniors would talk amongst themselves. I didn't understand any of their game lingo then...And my own classmates thought I was a freak...And I have to thank Sean for making life in polevault miserable so I would be determined to quit. The Sec 1 is really well-read and well-educated. He enquired if I was spurred on instead to show the team that I would make it. Maybe if I did I would be entirely different person now...But I told him I just couldn't bear with it anymore...Not going there to be a zombie. It's just not who I am.

I must concentrate. Let's quote HIVEmind: "Emotional response is inefficient."

Dark Memories[9:40 PM]

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